I present the best joke ever

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I present the best joke ever

Post  Himeko Katagiri on Wed Mar 05, 2014 12:51 am

I wrote this joke like a year ago and it's the best one ever

Dave is an average middle aged buissness man who drives a cheap car and wears the three same suits every week. He's been trying his hardest to  get a promotion so he can support his wife and kids. One night him and his wife get in an argument, they argue and it gets pretty bad so he stays at a hotel for the night. The next morning he wakes and looks at the dirty hotel room and quickly calls his wife, she doesnt pick up so he leaves a message "Honey Im really sorry about last night hopefully you can forgive me." He looks at his watch and its 8:20 he's late for work. He quickly puts on his coat and drives home to get his work stuff. He reaches in his pocket and notices he doesnt have his house keys, he panicks then remembers throwing them the night before. Thankfully his wife pulls up and they forgive eachother he gets his work stuff and rushes to work. When he gets to work he is hours late and his boss stares at him dead in the  eye with a dissapointed look. He is later called into his bosses office. "You missed lots of the work day and your work performance has been down lately" his boss says to him. Dave looks down at his shoes and back at his boss "I-Im sor-" His boss cuts him off and says "I'll let it slide this time but you better pickup the performance and dont be late take this as a warning." Dave's boss dismisses him and he wearily walks back to his desk. He looks at his family portrait in a frame he got from target a few weeks ago yeah the old frame was good but this one was blue his favorite color. He works harder with a determined look in his eyes. After worrk he is starving since he missed lunch from that mornings fiasco. He stops by at a Quizno's to get a bite to eat but its full of drunk college kids. He waits in line getting more fed up by the second as the cacoffihy of people mumble what they want. 40 minutes later he gets his food and starts his drive home. His car is low on gas so he goes to the nearest gas station to fill up. As he fills up the tank he takes his cell phone out to call his wife a=but the battery is dead. He looks around for a payphone and finds one. He puts in all his chhange then notices he is short 25cents. "Damn shouldnt have gotten that sandwich" he thinks to himself. He walks back to his car and drives home. He gets stuck in traffic and gets home 3 hours late. It is now night. He pulls up to his house and hits something. "OH FUCK WHAT DID I HIT!?" he yells aloud. He jumps out of the car and notices what he hit is his clothes, DVD collection, houseplant, and other various items. He gasps at the site and runs up to the door. He opens it and his wife is sitting there, with a grumpy brow. "You were at the strip club wernt you or you were with Lisa" Dave gasps at the accusations "I KNEW IT WERE THROUGH!" she yells violently throwing a phone at him. "GET OUT OF MY HOUSE YOU'RE NEVER SEEING ME OR YOUR KIDS AGAIN!" she yells. She starts throwing more onjects at him until he finally dashes to his car and drives off. He goes to the hotel and gets drunk. Thhe next morning he wakes up at 10am "MOTHER FUCKER!" he shouts into the air. He drives to work as fast as he can. He starts speeding and a cop pulls him over. The cop says "Sir you were going 75 in a 50 Im going to have to write you a ticket." "Please officer let me off with a warning im late for work" Dave pleads. "Sir have you been drinking?" the cop asks. "N-No" Dave replies. The officer stares at hi for a few seconds then says "You wreak of whiskey Im going to have to test you" Dave takes the breath test and passes. The officer writes him a ticket and Dave is on his way to work. He enters the call center at 3pm. He heads for his cubicle and ses his belongings in  box. The family portrait in the blue frame on top, he turns it over and looks down. His boss walks up to him angrily and yells "YOU'RE FIRED!" Dave goes to his car leaving his belongings behind and cries. He heads back to the hotel and gets drunk for a few days. He calls his wife at 2am in a drunken fit, and his wife doesnt answer. Dave lays in the bathtub with a razor ans stares at the ceiling. Contemplating suicide. He decides against it and takes a long shower. The next day he is walking around town looking forr any now hiring signs. After a few hours he sees a IHOP with a "Now hiring" sign on the window. He goes in an fills out an aplication. He calls his wife and she picks up this time. "Honey I love you so much but I lost my job at the office but I just filled up an aplication at IHOP." he notices he's talking to a dial tone "she must of hung up at "i got fired"" he thinks to himself. He tries agin the next day and no answer. A few days later the IHOP calls him and he got the job as a waiter. He calls his wife, she answers. "I said I dont want you anymore especially without a job" she says scornfully. "I got a new job at IHOP as a waiter in a few weeks ill be manager and we can be a family again" ..... silence .... his wife hangs up. The next day at his new job he does a good job and even got a few tips this continues throughout the week. One day a custmer orders 5 plates of eggs and only eggs for some reason. He takes the order and soon enough has the eggs. As he's bringing the eggs to the man he trips, the eggs splatter everywhere. And Dave says
Spoiler:

"Egg-scuse me!"

You have just read the best joke ever, all other jokes will no longer be funny

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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  lolrawr on Wed Mar 05, 2014 2:19 am

tl;dr

 smirk 
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  Emray on Wed Mar 05, 2014 2:28 am

That build-up 5/5
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  adsmz on Wed Mar 05, 2014 4:22 pm

A friend of mine tells a two hour version of this one.

There was a little boy who lived in a far away land. Close to the boy's home, there was a tall mountain, always covered in snow at the top. Also at the top of the mountain, there was an ancient monastery where ancient monks lived.

Sometimes, the little boy, as he was riding his tricycle around his yard, would look up at the monastery on the tall mountain and wonder what it was like up there.

One day, when the wind was blowing down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold and the little boy could hear a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the little boy made a peanut butter sandwich, hopped on his tricycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours and hours, but he finally made it to the top. He bravely pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hello, Mr. Monk, sir. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the little boy got back on his tricycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was a bit bigger and stronger now and now rode around town on his bicycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the bigger boy made a ham and cheese sandwich, hopped on his bicycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him hours, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Hey, Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the big boy got back on his bicycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy had grown into a strapping youth now and rode around town on his motorcycle.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the strapping youth grabbed a slice of pizza, hopped on his motorcycle and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Yo, Mr. Monk, dude. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the strapping youth got back on his motorcycle and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

The wind did not blow down off the mountain again until a couple years later. The boy was now a young man and often rode around in his new convertible sportscar.

As luck would have it, he was out riding when the wind blew down off the mountain, the air turned quite cold, and he heard a very strange noise on the wind. It was coming from the monastery! He could not figure out what could possibly be making such a strange noise and he was curious.

So, the young man bought a burger at a fast food place, got in his convertible sportscar, and started his ride up to the monastery. It took him 20 minutes, but he finally made it to the top. He pounded on the massive door to the monastery and the head monk opened the door.

"Mr. Monk. Down at my home in the valley below, I heard a very strange noise coming from your monastery. Could you tell me what it is?"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

Sadly, the young man got back in his convertible sportscar and rode all the way home, in a very foul and frustrated mood. He really did want to know what was making that noise.

That night, he thought and thought about the very strange noise and how he just had to know what caused it. So, he resolved to do something about it the next day.

The next day, he got in his convertible sportscar and raced up the mountain, slammed on his brakes, and skidded to a stop right in front of the massive door to the monastery.

He honked the horn of his convertible sportscar until the head monk finally opened the door.

"Alright, Mr. Monk, I want to know what is making that very strange noise coming from you monastery!"

"I'm sorry," replied the head monk, "I can't tell you. You aren't a monk."

"Well, then can I become a monk?"

"Why certainly! It is quite easy. You must travel the earth and count the number of blades of grass in every field and the number of grains of sand on every beach. When you return with your answer, then you shall be a monk."

So the young man left the monastery and travelled the earth. For years and years he counted the blades of grass and grains of sand, until one day he had finally finished. He made his way slowly back to the monastery and found the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk, I have travelled the earth these past years, counting the blades of grass and grains of sand. I finally know that there are 123,123,123,123,123 blades of grass in the fields and 123,123,123,123,123 grains of sand on the beaches and I would like to become a monk."

So the man became a monk. At last, he would now be able to find out the source of that very strange noise coming from the monastery.

"Mr. Monk, what is the noise coming from the monastery?" asked the new monk.

The head monk replied, "The source is too complicated to describe in words. I am afraid that you must see it for yourself to truly understand it. This key will show you the answer you seek."

"Take this key to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. There you will find a long corridor. At the end of the corridor is a door and through the door is the thing that makes the noise."

Well, of course the new monk went immediately to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and there he did indeed find the long corridor. He walked down the corridor until he could see the door at the end.

Unfortunately, there were three magical fires that never go out blocking the man from the door. He decided to jump the fires to reach the door. The man made sure the key was secure in his hand, took a running charge at the first fire and leapt!

Over the first fire he flew, but he dropped the key. The man leapt back over the fire, ran all the way back down the long corridor, out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery and back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the first one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is another key and you must overcome tests on your way to enlightenment. The second key, however is far, far away in Canada."

The new monk left the monastery and travelled to Canada. It took many years because he had no money, being a monk and all.

Eventually, he arrived in Canada and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor.

The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the monk, key still- RATS!
He had dropped the key in the second fire. The monk leapt back over the second fire, back over the first fire, back down the long corridor he walked and out of the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery. The monk went back to the head monk.

"Oh, Mr. Monk! I am so sorry! I went to the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery, down the long corridor to the door, but there were magical fires and I dropped the key in the second one as I leapt over it."

"Do not worry, for there is one more key and we must all overcome tests on our way to enlightenment. The third key, however is far, far away in Australia."

The monk left the monastery and travelled to Australia. It took many years because he had no money being a monk and all.

Eventually he arrived in Australia and managed to track down the key to the door. The monk then had to make the return journey equally as painstakingly, but finally he arrived back at the monastery. By this time, he was quite an old monk.

Down into the deepest, darkest corner of the coldest, dampest room in the dirtiest, filthiest cavern under the monastery he went, until he found the long corridor. The three magical fires were in front of him as he took a running start.

Over the first fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the second fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

Over the THIRD fire went the quite old monk, key still in hand!

He had made it! He'd made the jumps and here he was standing outside the door with the answer to his question. Finally, finally, after so many, many, many years of wanting to know what was making the strange noise, he would know. The answer lay through the door in front of him and he could at last be at peace with himself.

Slowly, the quite old monk slid the key into the lock. Turning the key a slight 'click' was to be heard as the lock moved back allowing the quite old monk to open the door. He pushed the door open and stepped inside.

Shock and amazement came over him as he finally realized the answer to his question!

Wanna know what the answer was?
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  Emray on Wed Mar 05, 2014 4:34 pm

adsmz wrote:
Wanna know what the answer was?

It was the sound of one hand clapping
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  lolirolla on Wed Mar 05, 2014 4:40 pm

oh sweet jesus
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  adsmz on Wed Mar 05, 2014 7:36 pm

Emray wrote:
adsmz wrote:
Wanna know what the answer was?

It was the sound of one hand clapping
Nope. I'd tell you but I can't, 'cause you're not a monk.
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Re: I present the best joke ever

Post  Emray on Thu Mar 06, 2014 1:34 am

adsmz wrote:
Emray wrote:
adsmz wrote:
Wanna know what the answer was?

It was the sound of one hand clapping
Nope. I'd tell you but I can't, 'cause you're not a monk.
Oh yeah.. that was it
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Re: I present the best joke ever

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